Attached

Have you ever wondered why your relationships are the way they are? Why do you experience love the way you do? For years, it has been a question on my mind. It can feel like an endless dating pool that never seems to pan out. Was I looking for love in the wrong places?

Growing up, most of my relationships with the opposite sex were co-dependent, destructive, manipulative, and painful. Even my connection to my job that I left years ago was like having an abusive boyfriend that I went out with for nine years. 

I was dating emotionally unavailable men who struggled to commit. I would grasp onto these men like a lioness seizes her prey. But as I clung on, it only caused them to distance themselves even further and further away. Self-doubt, unworthiness, abandonment, shame, and guilt crept in. I questioned myself, 'what am I doing wrong?'

It wasn't until I began the healing journey that I realized I played a role in attracting this chaos into my life and partnerships. Investigating deep within, having ups and downs, and failing many times have taught me life-changing lessons. 

This year, after reading a book entitled, Attached, written by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. I learned that I had a love addiction with an anxious attachment style. Part of me wishes I had found the book sooner. But then again, life is a journey, not a destination, and I believe things happen right when they are supposed to.

During my time in quarantine, and before reading the book, I joined an online self-development mastermind class. During our zoom calls, my mentor spoke about attachment styles and an online quiz you can take to figure out yours. I jotted it down in my notes, putting it on my list of things to do. But, for the time being, I left it alone, not realizing this would come back full circle in my life.

At that time, I was in a nonexistent relationship going nowhere. I was once again addicted to playing the mother role, feeling that I needed to rescue him to prove my worthiness and couldn't detach. After mentorship and healing from breathwork, I realized that I was trying to fix something in him that I thought I needed to fix in myself. Clarity set in; I'm not broken, which means I don't need fixing, and I don't need to fix him.   

This new knowledge blew my mind, and a new potential partner showed up quicker than the speed of light. So what's different this time? First, in changing my perspective, I'm showing up differently, which allows my partner to show up differently. 

One evening my new partner and I were getting ready to head out for dinner, and there it was, the book Attached. Curious, I asked if I could borrow it to read since the attachment quiz was still on my list of things to do. I felt like the universe sent me a clear message as this book magically fell into my lap.  

As I started diving into the book, and what an eye-opener this has been for me, I finally understood my patterns in relationships. I felt like the book was reading to me personally, describing my past from a whole new, clearly understandable viewpoint.

I learned that I had been operating with an anxious attachment style for most of my life. But, I attracted the complete opposite, the avoidant attachment style. The avoidant likes to keep love at arm's length, minimize closeness, and equate intimacy with a loss of independence. 

As for my anxious attachment style, I tried to prove my worth by chasing the care, affection, and attention of those unable to provide it. But unfortunately, this vicious cycle would repeatedly reappear, leaving me to feel abandoned yet craving the relationship even more. 

Neither attachment style is wrong or right; it's just how we can be programmed to our circumstances. Most of our attachment styles stem from our unmet childhood needs that play out in our adult lives. I won't get into detail, but it conditioned me to feel I had to work hard for love and acceptance, not knowing it was freely available.

The good news is that we can change our attachment style through awareness and practice. This now brings me to the last attachment style, the secure attachment. Secure attachments are those who feel comfortable with intimacy and come from a warm and loving place. 

Finally, after taking that handy attachment style quiz in the book, I'm happy to see I've begun stepping into a secure attachment style. Not to say that I have entirely shifted. Certain feelings, such as abandonment, can still be triggered, but the difference this time is that I'm mindful of it. If my anxious attachment system gets activated, I ask myself, 'is it true what I'm feeling?'. Time and time again, I have been proven wrong.

My current relationship, reasonably new, teaches me that it is safe to step into a more secure attachment style. My partner is entirely supportive, and it's beautiful for once not to have to play the mother role and allow someone to take care of me. So naturally, this causes a ripple effect that enables us to take care of each other without energy feeling depleted.

All of these new possibilities bring me a sense of freedom. I can stay centered and grounded in myself, my work, and my career. Otherwise, as an anxious attachment, I would be obsessing over the relationship and not stay focused. So what is the connection, and how will it evolve? We will see. 

Change can be scary when ingrained into a learned behavior for so long, even healthier habits. The positive side is that you can start the healing process once recognized. Nothing is ever set in stone. By being present, having no expectations, and not needing to rush, I can move slowly, build a strong, loving foundation first, and accept the unknown. 

The book has been a guiding light. It taught me much about my past relationships and how I've shifted. This realization is a real game-changer. Although my past was mostly toxic, I will forever be thankful for my previous relationships; they taught me what I don't want and what I do want. But, most importantly, they've taught me what I deserve.

The bottom line is that your relationship with yourself is number one. It determines who you can attract and how. So when you find a higher caliber love within yourself – make that your anchor – a place you can always return to when you feel alone. And if you haven't found that, continue to let go of any fear, shame, and guilt and know that it doesn't define you. 

Realize there is infinite space where the real you can exist, abundant in love. Have faith, and never give up. Know that the old behavioral patterns, stories, and attachment styles we tell ourselves, once recognized, can be changed with love, patience, and practice.

I look forward to being in this new space to expand my horizons and see what unfolds. When my old anxious attachment style comes up, I will allow myself to feel and continue to recondition myself to release and let go. This world we live in really is a lifelong journey.

Can you recognize your attachment style?

Sending love & light

Lauren