Back To The Office…And Other Stuff

I can't believe it's already been a year since I landed a job at a design firm @charlesorchard @ibaldesigns in Bali. Firstly, I'm beyond grateful and never thought finding a job in Bali was possible until I connected randomly with a headhunter. Secondly, after years of working in the service industry, whether in a bar or chef on the yachts, working a 9 to 5 has been a whole new journey of discipline for me.

Before this position, I coached clients and worked on passion projects dear to my heart, such as my book, jewelry, dog tagline, and designing and building a home. Everything I love has been on full stop for some time now, and recently, I've been questioning, 'Why did I stop working on all the things that make my heart sing?'

My ego-driven story is, 'Well, I'm too busy and will get to it when the time is right.' But deep down, I knew there was an underlying feeling that I was not in my integrity or alignment. Turning a blind eye and ignoring my inner compass, I went full steam ahead on automatic autopilot, stopped looking for answers, and put it in a box that I was just unmotivated.

Then, during my staycation last week, I immersed myself openly and graciously into healing practices such as breathwork, sound healing, jungle walks, temple visits, and ecstatic dance. These practices unveiled the mystery of what had been secretly eating away at me and opened up a new gateway within myself.

I realized that the underlying cause of not writing or working on my passion projects has everything to do with the misconception of the little voices in my head based on fear. Fear has taken the driver's seat in most aspects of my life without awareness. It has kept me comfortable in my own bullshit story overall, saying, 'I'm not good enough.'

Now, I consider myself someone who has done a lot of internal work, and then, realizing that fear had such control over me, I had this epiphany that I knew nothing, and everything I thought to be true about myself was a lie covered up by false masks. I now understand what Socrates says: 'The only true wisdom is knowing you know nothing.'

Blindsided by this new thought process, I've had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude and have shed many happy tears. I also realized that everything we do is an internal job and reflects our perception of the external world, giving me two choices. One, as fear arises, I can stay stuck in the narrative. Or two, I can feel and breathe through the fear, worry, and anxiety and then override by letting go of the illusion of control, choosing love, and trusting the process.

From this moment on, I have consciously decided to lean into love, accept, not judge, and doubt the vulnerable parts of myself. I know for damn sure the universe will test me, but the good news is that I'm not just understanding it logically; I'm now feeling it in my heart and soul. I feel a rush of excitement, and who knows what I won't know next? Ha! The truth is that uncovering parts of ourselves that don't serve us is a never-ending journey.

Much Love 

Lauren