Contemplating Four Years

Last week marked four years since I left New York and embarked on my new journey. A journey with the ultimate goal of freedom. Freedom of not only my mind, body, and soul but eventually financial freedom and the ability to expand and continually grow.

It's crazy to think about how much I've grown and changed within the past few years — leaving behind my toxic job and life back in New York. New York was everything to me; I considered it the center of the world, a world I would discover I had ultimately created. It wasn't the easiest to break away from either, and I did have my moments where I got sucked back in.

After leaving New York, I spent the first two years traveling. I accomplished a lot on my bucket list, and mostly alone. My highlights included: Carnival in Rio, hiking the Inca trail and almost dying, medicinal plant research with a shaman in the Amazon, yoga teacher training in the Bahamas, living in Bali, dancing around Europe, exploring the pyramids in Egypt, volunteering and falling in love in South Africa, hanging with the hobbits in New Zealand, Great Barrier reef in Australia, swimming with whale sharks in the Philippines and embracing Holi festival in India. I also started working as a chef/hostess for The Yacht Week.

My third and fourth years were slightly different. They involved a significant breakup, which led to repetitive patterns of a familiar vicious cycle of toxic relationships, drugs, and alcohol, and manipulating men for money without blinking an eye. I fell down the rabbit hole again, but only this time, something was different; I finally recognized a fragment of my shadow self and decided I had enough.

Here I was, experiencing moments where I wanted it all to end. Yet, what saved me this time and time again was hope and inner knowing that life doesn't have to be full of suffering. It led to months of solitude, diving deep into the many layers of my inner core, purging and letting go of parts of myself that were no longer necessary — above all, never giving up.

I realize this intense awakening was essential to my evolution for two reasons. One, it showed me a piece of my shadow self, which allowed me to see more of that over time. And two, I realized the high-caliber love I felt in the relationship was always a reflection of me, and I eventually found it myself. The saying is, "Only in the darkness can you see the stars." - Martin Luther King.

There is a lot more to this story; I guess that's why I'm writing a book. I'm not going to say since my realization that life has been full of unicorns and rainbows, but my tendency to go into a downward spiral has gotten a lot easier to recognize.

Present-day, back in Bali, my home, safe haven where I thrive, I'm motivated to keep flowing and moving forward, setting goals to create and sustain the life I want—writing a book, creating a jewelry line, and working towards a coaching business—being fearless and taking chances to execute my dreams. Seeds that I have planted as I nurture and water and wait for them to bloom.

Gratitude, Gratitude, Fucking Gratitude