Out of Focus
Have you ever felt like you were losing your mind? I have, and I don't mean just losing your mind on psychedelic drugs, which I also have. A few weeks ago, I had a moment of conscious instability, if that makes any sense (as I still try to make sense of it myself). I prayed that I would feel "normal" again (yes, I do), but what is expected, and what is this feeling of irregularity?
As some of you may know, over the past few months, I've been on a solitary detox to focus inward, which included no drugs and alcohol for the time being. So after ruling out drugs and alcohol from my unhinged feelings, I recognized that I had felt this before within similar circumstances.
I take you back to when I went to the Bahamas for my yoga certification. Three months into my two years of traveling, I was doing a similar detox to the one I'm doing now. Every day at the ashram, we would live and breathe yoga from daily practice, karma yoga, meditation, chanting, and lectures. Then it happened, my moment of feeling unbalanced, which was so cliché with my yogi lifestyle.
I'm not going to go into too much detail (save it for my book), but I can tell you it first began with my meditation, and my world around me quickly changed. It wasn't just in my mind; I was visual seeing things differently, too. It escalated to a point where I honestly felt like I took magic mushrooms, and I remember saying to myself, "well, if I'm going crazy, then so be it." Luckily I had fellow teachers and friends who not only supported me but also informed me that I was safe, and I'm just shifting to another state of consciousness, which still, to this day, I can't describe what that means.
People for generations, Native Americans, Shamans, Incas, and Egyptians, have taken different forms of psychedelics (ayahuasca, mushrooms, peyote) for medicinal purposes or to achieve spiritual enlightenment—the mystical experience to transcend to connect to a higher power and find the truth of our reality. So likewise, my journey has taught me that mind-altering drugs can be a healing gateway, but we can get to higher levels of consciousness without them, too, experiencing firsthand.
My father, who grew up during Woodstock and Studio 54 era, informed me that certain drugs open your mind, which I agree with. Studies have shown that psychedelic drugs can treat depression, PTSD, anxiety, and alcohol and nicotine addiction. While traveling in South America, I met several people, including a shaman I worked with doing medicinal plant research in the Amazon, who spoke about the positive effects.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not advocating doing drugs; I could be the poster child of why you shouldn't do certain drugs (unnatural holes in my septum) so kids don't do addictive drugs! Also, to reiterate, I know it's possible to get to mind-altering states without them; it might be a slower process, yet safer, depending on how grounded you are.
I believe that we have all reached a state of enlightenment throughout our many lifetimes, and it's innate in all of us to want to get back to that euphoric feeling of bliss and why we crave connection to our higher selves, friends, family, and lovers. But, one of the most significant realizations I've had is that the more I try to control, the less control I have. So I will let go, even if, during this process, I feel like I'm going crazy, allowing things to occur and within appropriate timing, hopefully achieving heightened awareness.