My Shadow Self
"That which we do not bring to consciousness appears in our lives as fate."-Carl Jung.
Going through the breakup (still an ongoing process), my life felt like my magic carpet had been stolen from me, and I was falling head first onto concrete. Fuck, it hurts! Months go by, still feeling the heartache, getting to a point where all I wanted to be a quick fix to heal my pain like a heroin addict after his dope, just wishing to nod out.
I'm faced now with the inevitable battle of my shadow self. Psychologist Carl Jung describes it as our unconscious part of personality primarily composed of what we consider negative that our conscious ego doesn't like to recognize. It's the part of us that we don't want to show the rest of the world and try to keep at bay.
Open wounds of vulnerability gave my shadow self a perfect opportunity to hunt me down like an apex predator after its prey. Sneaky yet functional, it seems to show itself differently at different times in our life. It's the ultimate universal lesson to see what you have learned.
How would I describe it?
Toxic? Yes!
Comforting? Agreed!
How can a toxic comfortability coincide?
This is what I've been conditioned and deeply ingrained in most of my life.
Addicted to behavioral tendencies of a self-pity party of destructing behaviors, yet grasping and holding onto what feels like protection. I was going to my darkest places of suicidal thoughts, ending up in toxic relationships of drugs and alcohol, and using sex as manipulation to make easy money for not-so-easy deeds. My life has come full circle with my demonic side coming to play. The scariest part about it was I sometimes got a false sense of pleasure, welcome to my dark side.
Easy to fall into and even harder to admit, for I have seen the dark more than the light. I quote Marianne Williamson, "It is our light, not our darkness, that most frighten us," and that's the damn truth; well, it has been for me. Blessed to have that glimpse of light and inner knowledge that never left me, just dormant under the surface; this became my anchor. The light exists in all of us from the moment we are born.
Determining to return to self-love, I began the self-surrender process, learning to love all aspects of myself. I stopped fighting and found that there was no more need for this addiction. It's easier to become friends and coexist instead of running from it. Being kind and not punishing myself for taking a step backward has a purpose. The realization that if I ever want to do light work, which I do, I can no longer be living in the darkness, for it no longer serves me.
Will my shadow self show face again, or have I entirely discovered it? Not sure, and maybe it even has layers? But, for now, I have become utterly aware of whatever part I have recognized, taken ownership of, and accepted. In turn, I have become stronger and wiser, which makes me grateful for the experience.
Can you recognize your shadow self?